Australian film marketing blows: TWO FISTS ONE HEART

Why won’t Australian audiences see shitty Australian films over shitty American films? Because the marketing of Australian films is by and large grossly incompetent. The boxing drama Two Fists One Heart came out yesterday and you’ll probably choose not to see it. Here’s why:

The title

Maybe the people who signed off on the title haven’t heard of this new thing called the interwebs, or maybe they have a warped sense of humour, but in a universe where 2 Girls 1 Cup exists, there is no room for Two Fists One Heart to be considered as the title of a serious dramatic feature. At this point, only perverts with a thing for warped sphincters are hitting the box office.

The poster

Who is this guy whose face takes up 80% of the poster? I don’t know, and because I don’t know I can only assume that this film is an ethnographic documentary about homeless kids and everybody hates ethnographic films. (Sorry Tulpan). This is a boxing movie right? What they should have done is take advantage of the natural sex appeal of boxing and put this guy’s naked torso on the poster. The poster would immediately be noticed because everyone loves watching muscles on screen: women, gays and even straight men (basically everyone except maybe lesbians). That’s why 300 was so big. Also, did you know this film is about some ethnic guy who is taught how to not punch things by his blonde, white girlfriend? This film is basically an updated version of Tarzan and marketing should have taken advantage of this vaguely racist, certainly colonialist aspect by playing on the sexually dangerous animal/pure civilised virgin dynamic. This is why the lame couple’s embrace on the poster sucks. He shouldn’t be wearing a shirt. Basically, this poster needs more pectorals.

The trailer

The film’s main attraction is the romance yet the trailer spends too much time dedicated to the boxer’s father’s backstory. No-one cares! Save the back story for the movie where the audience actually will care. The trailer should be all about the protagonist getting into sexy boxing fights and street fights and pashing the hot white chick who will teach him civilised manners.

The soundtrack

First they bored everyone with the father’s back story then they repulsed everyone with the aussie hiphop that plays the trailer out. Just because your lead actor has his own band doesn’t mean his music belongs on the soundtrack. Same goes for Tim Minchin. He may be funny or something (shit I dunno. There’s a doco about him for some reason. Go watch that) but his musical is NOT GOOD. Why don’t Australian filmmakers know anything about Australian music? It’s like they live in a cultural vacuum or something.